Button Pushers! (AKA: Sisters)

What is it about family that makes us push each others’ buttons?

Is it that we feel safe in the belief that no matter how or why we hurt each others’ feelings we’ll still be family — that old chestnut, blood is thicker than water?

Hmmm.

Family is what anchors us. It’s the foundation for all other relationships. I recognize that not everyone has a loving supportive family and that can create unbridgeable distance between family members. But even in families where there is love and encouragement, there still may be contention and rivalry. (Sibling rivalry for example.)

Familial competition is such a waste of time and energy, not to mention emotion. It crates anguish, heartache, and bitterness that, for some, never ends. But what causes it?

Is it that parents aren’t always able to balance the needs of all their children all the time? And, unfortunately, don’t know how to help their children understand that they shouldn’t have to. That sometimes one child’s needs outweigh the needs of his or her siblings? What if it’s the same child who is perceived by the parents as being needy all the time? What about the children that are perceived by their parents as strong, self-sufficient, do they get the short end of the stick for being capable?

What causes one child to be a trouble maker and another to be everyone’s little darling? Is it something in our wiring or just the luck of the draw. What makes one child the caretaker and another the dictator? What makes one child meek and another a force to be reckoned with? Is it all tied to birth order? Is it in our genetic makeup or is it a conditioned response to our surroundings?

I’m not a psychologist or sociologist or any kind of oligist, except maybe a chocolatologist (is that in the dictionary!?!) so I know I don’t have all, or any, of the answers. Heck, I’m doing good this late on a Friday night to even be able to articulate a few questions. But I do know that families should be more understanding of one another than we are of other people. We should be more kind to each other than we are to other people.

We don’t have to blindly condone each others’ bad behavior but we should at least be as forgiving, if not more so, of our family members than we are of other people. We don’t have to like each other every minute of every day but we shouldn’t let a difference of opinion or a perceived lapse in judgment diminish our love for one another.

Family is irreplaceable. A friend can’t really be our sister or brother, our mother or father, our child or spouse. Friends are good to have for sure, but they come and go throughout our lives. Family is constant but it must be nurtured, protected, cherished, or it will be lost.

We’re family. When it comes right down to it, we’re all we have that is truly valuable.

Goodbye Fred

Posted by goodoldgirl

Our reliable old friend is gone.

Fred was always there when needed, day-in and day-out for 18 long years — he lived with me for eleven years and then with my daughter for seven. Sure, he had a few mishaps here and there but he just kept coming back strong, dependable, always on course, never-failing to amuse, eyes forward, always between the lines.

Ah, the memories …

There was the time we got lost out in the boonies.

Then there was that incident with the milkshake. (Chocolate milkshake spilled in Jeep, not pretty.)

Fred, you were such a good sport that time we loaded you up with mulch. (In bags but still smelly.)

And, the Christmas trees — I’ll never be able to smell pine without thinking of you, Fred.

Good times. Good times.

We mourn the loss of Fred, old reliable Fred, and cherish the time we had together.

Goodbye Fred and don’t forget to write!

Ahem.

Hello, new kid on the block!

Wish it was mine, but it’s my daughter’s.

Sniff, sniff.

(She’s such a copy cat!)

Then again, she now has car payments and I don’t!

Mom is leaving …

Posted by goodoldgirl

A single point has guided me throughout my life. A single voice in my head that has kept me on the straight and narrow through times when I couldn’t see two feet in front of me, much less what’s around the bend.

My mom.

She has been the strongest influence on my life, though most times I chafe at admitting it. Her strength of character and determination have seen her through many, many difficult trials — from the loss of an infant daughter to a shattered marriage some fifteen years later. Yet, she remained strong. She never gave up, no matter how difficult the challenge or risky the outcome.

She is my rock.

My mom has Alzheimer’s and is leaving us, slowly, day by day. She’s in the early to mid stage so still knows who we are but, sooner or later, she won’t and I think it will break my heart. So much so that, in moments of weakness, I wish one of us would be released from this crazy world, and it doesn’t matter which one. I know that sounds awful, but the thought of Mom becoming lost to me makes me sad beyond having words to describe it — and angry, very angry.

Throughout her 83 years, she has relied only on herself to see her and her children over life’s hurdles. She is the only person I have ever known who will always tell me when I’m wrong or making a mistake. Her love, though quiet and somewhat reserved, is always there, for now. When she is lost to me, it will be lost to me as well.

Over the years, Mom and I have often not “gotten along.” I guess it’s because we are so much alike that it causes friction. I’m as stubborn as she is and as determined to make my own way in this screwed up world. We don’t talk a lot and seem to find it difficult to chat. Small talk isn’t part of our pattern — Scrabble is our thing. We can get into deep conversations over a Scrabble board and I’ve learned more about my mom while playing Scrabble than I ever dreamed possible. I cherish every game we play.

Mom lives with my sister and for that I am truly grateful. I don’t know how she does it, day in and day out, watching Mom fade away. I just know I couldn’t. It’s hard enough to see just when I visit.

Thank you, Jan — for all that you do to keep our mom safe. For taking care of her every need. For being her rock. I hope that someday, though I’m not sure how, I’ll be able to return the favor.